For the first time in I don’t know how long, I am sitting. I have a list of things to do and my house is a mess, but I’m sitting. For the first time in 4 days I had a shower. I’m wearing clean clothes, even if they’re stained. I’m not covered in puke, and I’m not chasing after a toddler to get her to go pee on the potty (we just started potty training… I knew it would be tiring, but MAN is it tiring!), and I’m not feeding anyone or wondering what to feed anyone. I’m not sitting while I sew a project for someone and I’m not sitting while I write in the girls baby books, catching up on milestones. I don’t know how long this will last so for now I am just sitting.
The transition from 1-2 kids has been a lot easier than I expected, though it does still have its challenges. Ellie absolutely loves Lydia, and Lydia (for the most part) is an angel baby! Of course now that I say that she’ll show everyone otherwise… We take longer to get ready in the mornings, I have to focus on two kids crying instead of one, and the only time I can get things done is if and when both girls are napping in the afternoon. I’ve adjusted surprisingly well so I figured, why not throw potty training in the mix! Yes, I am mildly insane.
Even though I say I’ve adjusted well I mean it in the terms of parenting. Myself as a mom has adjusted well. I ‘m less anxious and so far don’t have any signs of postpartum depression or anxiety like last time, and I feel a lot more rested. The truth is that parenting is hard and exhausting and more often than not we “lose ourselves” in the day to day life of being parents. We become new people that have lives that solely focus around other lives and many of us feel like we lose who we are in the process. Often it’s stay at home moms who feel like they lose their identities when they don’t return to work and they have a hard time finding a balance between being a mom and wife and just plain them. In less than 3 short years I’ve gone from fiance, to wife, to mom, and somehow developed into a new person in the process. I’ve adjusted from wearing nice clothes and eating out whenever and wherever I’d like, to being lucky if I get one warm meal a week and wearing puke or pee covered clothes every day and trying to sneak in a warm shower sometime.
I saw myself in a new light, someone that puts everything aside in a seconds notice to run little feet to the bathroom and someone whose body grew two little humans and nourishes an amazing baby.
While I talk about this being an adjustment in no way do I mean it’s a bad one. It’s a big one, but not a bad one. I read a blog post today about the adjustment of motherhood and one of the last lines really resonated with me, “Yes, fortysomething is coming, and it’s going to be bliss. But don’t let it come too fast. If I’m to lose my self for a decade, motherhood sure is a delicious thing to lose it to.” The last 2 months have been busy. I’ve given birth, we bought a new car, I’ve started potty training, and I’ve started working out. It’s a lot to take in and often times it’s overwhelming to even process. Many times I can get down on myself and wonder why I’m not doing a better job, but today as I got back from my workout I took a good look at myself. I didn’t see greasy hair that needed to be washed or someone that carried a little more weight than she should. I saw myself in a new light, someone that puts everything aside in a seconds notice to run little feet to the bathroom and someone whose body grew two little humans and nourishes an amazing baby. I was positive about myself for the first time in so long and I remembered who I was; I saw the new person I had slowly become. I may not be the person I was 3 years ago when I was a newlywed, but I realized that’s okay. I have grown as my family has grown. I haven’t lost me, I’ve become a better version of me. I may not have the time to just sit anymore but I’m grateful for that. It means I’m working on making a house a home, teaching my girls to love life, and becoming the best mom I can be.
There is nothing in life that has tested me more than motherhood. If I get a chance to sit it’s usually on the bathroom floor while encouraging, in the playroom entertaining, or on the couch feeding. These times don’t come often and that’s okay, because one day they will and I’ll be a whole lot more lonely. The times that you feel alone, like no one sees all the little things you do every day, remind yourself of the person you’ve become because of and despite all of those little things. And mama? Take the time to sit.